Him…

Beep,beep!Low battery reads the message on my phone ,

and I m obliged to jump out from the world of  social media and more,

as I lookout through a window ,I realise I had been sitting in a car as my elder brother drives,

Littered roads,chilly winds ,one horn over the other, every car almost about to crush the other,

Honking. Honking and more honking ,

smoke and fog occupied every bit of my site,whole city is coughing,

and my brother on my side,

labelled NRI at age of 18,a kind hearted man, aged 22 now and whom I consider to be the most eligible bachelor ,

blindly I trust his values and character,

I look at him ,the boy who loved to paint ,

not much he spoke as a kid, his  smile faded away smoothly with time,

tears he had  hidden as we were taught boys are not supposed to cry,

dark skinned ,bright hearted,he was not a boy rather a man now,

His dark lips and his eyes told that he had been smoking even more,

growing up aunts labelled him introverts ,which I believe he wasn’t but then he was obliged to,

questions bursting in my head one after the other,

Why is he sad?Is he on drugs?Heart -broken lover? Or a man of betrayal?Bitter from refusal?Why is he the way he is?

I wanted to escape that moment, wanted to just do anything but not think about him,his pain,his introversion, he being a potential drug addict or chainsmoker,his very possible depression and maybe his initial level mental illness,because as child he was very much like me and his eyes tell me he still is.

My pace of breath was risen, sweat dripping from my forehead and my eyes trying hard to hold the tears behind and then in a cracking voice comes out-” Bhaiya,why don’t you smile?”

Not so dramatically, he dealt with this question which I knew hit his heart hard,he  turned  towards me and smiled,

“Smile like the real smile, the way you used to,the way like the ‘real you’ does.”-I couldn’t control the little sister in me,

I knew like most of the adults as they grow they fade away,live by stereotypes, are mostly or very close to definition of hypocrites,get a job ,get married ,have a kid or two or as many as they like ,raise them, blame them,worry about them,love them and claim it every now and then,

and rudely he increased the speed of the car and said -“because that is what life has made me,that is how I m suppose to be”,

No.No you are not suppose to be this so called tough hearted ,man my heart shouted but I didn’t utter a word,

I know he is broken ,I know he is scared to admit,I know a tear is about to roll down his cheeks ,I know he tames and hides his feelings  finely unlike me ,I know he hasn’t changed he is just being who he is supposed to be.

And as he drops me home as he wants to catch his flight back to his new so called home, 

I remember five years back when he left home to pursue his life,love,goals and more he had kissed my forehead and he had cried a lot,without any shame and hugged me really tight that time,and now I watch him walkaway with just a plain goodbye,

 and as he walked away I felt like I have never known or seen this man before, right in front of me in black coat ,hiding his burnt heart,smoking another cigarette , slowly merged and lost in crowd,the boy who was once known for standing out ….





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When you are Sad… 

You are just locked and your mind is blocked,

you want to get up but it seems too early and then its too late,

sad days are here, and now your problems are just more bigger than choosing what to wear,

watch yourself, the monster in your head, telling you to stay late in the bed,

that you aren’t good enough, that world is a cruel place,

shut him up not the world,

and don’t act like you don’t care because you know you do,

stay here don’t escape, its the time you gotta feel the pain,

and see that pain is  disguised as a beautiful message and an amazing lesson, 

an opportunity to learn and grow,

and maybe develop something you never considered – your value and  character,

you never realised that you have to have a time for everything, coz you can’t get much done if you say you don’t feel like it,

and everyday is not the same, you are going through challenges, dissappointments  again and again,

but have you never had beautiful days before?

They are gone, but if you want they’ll come back again,

you are going to get burried and burned one day,I know you aren’t happy to hear that, so little time you have got so live all that you have missed,

strangers don’t love you, your friends don’t appreciate you? Criticism eveywhere?

Look nowhere but in your home and you’ll find the deepest of love,

the kind of love that orphans dream of,

things and people you should appreciate are the ones whom you wake up with,

and I m assuming they don’t change everyday! 

They are the same people who are ignored and forgotten and there’s a “later” always ready to show them the love they deserve,

and if you think that they don’t  love you back, do you think you do?

coz love my friend, is always one sided, one hand give and one hand take its no business here, 

and maybe you need to declutter your head and your house, 

clean the grudges and forgive  yourself and others,

and as they say when times get tough, it is god who is taking your test,

but my dear you don’t realize that this test and difficult condition of yours is a dream for somebody, a privilege for somebody,

you feel loved the most not when someone says I love you, but when you show love. 

If you are sad you haven’t experienced the goodness in giving,

a not so lavish luxury it is but it will keep you happy longer than the three hour movie,

because for no reason at all when you are kind someday, randomly to random strangers who can never pay you back,

then the sparkle of goodness you leave wherever you go, will somehow light up your own world,

this does not mean that you’ll never get irritated, frustrated or sad, but the times this happens surely will get less,

and for the times that this sadness knocks your door, and you are unable to tell it “come on goback home”, rememeber how good you have been everyday to everyone, not the richest man but you are the kindest person you know,

when you spread happiness you don’t have, you gain the happiness you don’t have,

we rise by lifting others, but maybe this is the last door you would knock when sadness is in, trust me my friend, this is the key…. 

InBetween

Why do you still look into my eyes, why we still touch each other while crossing the ways , knowingly but as strangers,

though now loyalty and love have no existence here,

there’s a space between sky and the ground, there’s a space like that when you look into me, trust me now that’s all I see, 

a hope lives somewhere inbetween, 

there’s just this emptiness I live within,

what’s the end to something I had done with all my heart,

roughness, that’s how the air feels to me,openess and socializing suffocates me, 

why do we still exchange looks, why is their this newly awakened desire here? 

betrayal is an amusing gift,

but this remuneration of love for once is enough for me, 

there are many different roads to many different destinations   from here,

 here just for a moment we stand together,

let’s not move together,  I rather get lost alone,

I can see you are sunk after the cermony of treachery in the deepest sea of regret,

desperate attraction and unfulfilled desires, what is that decieves the face of love?

I have lost in the game, but look what an amazing bequest I have won,

speechless and breathless to describe my thoughts, the way they are breaking me down,

let silence speak for me, when I m gone, let my words written randomly sing to you the song of my heart,

maybe because we will still hope to see each other, everyday,  coz now its a necessity of head and heart not a pleasure ,

when we will cross each other’s way , I ‘ll once again look into the space in between and think how far yet so wishful we are…

 

Not every girl’s story

By the rules to leave house after 10pm was forbidden, 

the dark night, a time  of sin offerings it was,

knowingly how unknown she was,

the fear conquered her mind, but her heart was still in the fight as she walked through the street one night, 

shadows of men seemed same as the image of devil,

even the decent people looked like the statue of rebel,

newspaper headlines flashing through her head,

mom’s advice screaming in her head,

she feared to be one of those girls who were killed before the death,

and disgraced the nation’s impression with clothes that spoke of their wrong intentions,

in crime where the society declares victim as guilty,

stepping out of the door after 10 could be the biggest mistake she had ever made,

never had she regreted being who she was so bad,

but thank god she finally reached home, 

and many girls out of the doors ,don’t successfully reach back home, 

fearful of being tagged as sluts and whores,

everytime why is the girl who is to be blamed? 

If the man is  rich, famous or followed, her screams will remain unheard, 

covered in burkha or attired in a dress,

what should she wear to protect herself?

Blame the family, the society, the internet, the heaven, hell and all the gods but is she the one who deserves so much of guilt and shame? 

Culture, religion, good, bad all get burnt when your respect is killed and burried in your memory,

News channels debating on her character,

games of revenge, the new topic of discussion, 

still protected the devil will be, coz that’s what happens when you leave your house after 10,11,12,2,6 or whatever pm or am,

coz girls are only protected in the locked rooms and doors, within cemented four walls, 

to be decorated and showcased like barbie dolls,

and one day they get auctioned to the richest man the sellers could find,

this might not be the story of every girl, 

but somewhere someone is living a life you read,

coz we live in a world where you get shot by a terrorist for asking the right to education,

 Not me! Not you! Who’s thoughts have I penned?  

Too far for his ego, too forward in name of liberty have I went?

There’s no grey in this sin ,its either black or white,

 no “maybe”  here, its either wrong or right…

Thank You❤! 1K+ Followers 

Hey beautiful people! If you are reading this you are probably one of my WP family member. Thank you so much for following me and you have been great critic, follower and most importantly friend, means a lot to me!We are 1K+ people in here! 

Here is the list of best of my posts I have written till date, please do checkout these if you haven’t already coz these are some of the best things I have ever written: 

(Also comment which one of my posts do you like the most, would be a such a pleasure to know! )

    ❤Thank you so much its been so much fun having you all here and I have learned many things. 

    I started blogging after a major change in my life, I usually don’t talk about my life in any of my posts but this story has an important role in  my blog journey!It all started after a major change and adding to that I had also lost many of my true friends, it was quite  a thing that happens when you start growing up, I have started blogging since then not only blogging but I had started many new things to change my zone of sadness. I started reading more and I focused back on my studies,  its been sorrow and sadness to extreme fun that is my present day life story. But adding to all of it I have grown up immensely at mental level from past one year, I started blogging around November end, 2016 and here we are.

    Every comment,  like, reblog and follow means a lot to me and this post was not just to inform you that I have crossed 1K followers it was to tell you that it is possible because of you, so Thank you! This is the list of people who have a huge contribution as they follow me from a long time, have given genuine feedback,  have nominated me for many awards,  and it would never be possible without their support. Do checkout their blogs!: 


    Ambition on fleek, long way to go. Hope you enjoyed this post and I will see you soon and don’t forget to comment one of my posts that you have liked the most so that I can know better what you all like to read! Thank you!❤Much love, xoxo! 









      YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that! ❤🌹

      Are you forgetting someone? 

      Are we ready for what sets in? Pain! Deepest of yours carved in the heart! Not my first post on pain but can you imagine what we carry as pain and sadness is mostly the result of something damn good not happening in our long lasting lives, we have all been there. You don’t really know what this feeling is its just sudden incompleteness blended with hopelessness mixed with anxiety and its just not a good thing to experience.

      You know what the thing is, even if everyone agrees you don’t need a reason to be happy ,our brains are conditioned from birth that happiness is a result of gaining or getting what you want, its a destination. Go ahead deny that and I m with you, but philosophy cannot be the reality always.There’s a phase sometimes when nothing bad has actually happened but neither has something good happened, its all in vain type of feeling.

      You might have often heard you need to feed your brain, when everything is going well at that time its  important to do something intentionally that makes you happy, understand not pleasure but happiness or contentment. Pleasure is just a moment or two kind of feeling like the one you get after drinking coffee or eating chocolate. Though that can act as triggers and make you feel better throughout the day, but won’t help you heal the helplessness.

      What happens with me when I get into a state like this is, I actually feel a very hopeless and helpless and merrygo rounds of thoughts continue, but later I realised that from when I have started doing a few things that don’t require much effort, they help me cope up with this sadness or incompleteness, not only with this but it can be a way out of bad day!

      I think we all should have such few things! Like journaling, going for a walk, coffee with your life’s hero, prayer time,music, just going out, movie marathon and one thing that always works is completing something that I have started like writing a draft blog, assignment completion or maybe finishing the book or anything like that which gives you satisfaction of doing something productive .Most importantly sit down and listen to myself. Cry it out or write it out or anything.  In short,  shut all the things and give yourself some attention and importance. 

      We all know that we should stay happy and you cannot deny the fact we like to make others happy or please others or say it otherwise we don’t like the fact that others aren’t pleased by us. Before this motive that you’ll make others happy, I think we should concentrate on ourseleves.Some people say “nobody loves me” or “I don’t have love in my life”, but I d read somewhere you don’t need to get love or you don’t need someone who loves you all the time,  you need to be love. Make yourself feel good and everthing on this earth will be good, not just when days are bad but also when days are going good.

      In this hustle of day and night  we often forget that we have a child inside us who needs attention, who wants to cry when it hurts, who wants stop because he is tired, who wants to play, dance and sing,who doesn’t wants to care about what anyone thinks,  who wants to feel loved by someone, who craves for a pampering experience, who cannot hide his feelings for too long,   who wants to be free and happy. Maybe today you should listen to him and give attention to what he wants because what he wants is the most important thing in your life. Give him some time, this post was just to remind you that let him not die, because maybe you don’t realize that he still exists…. 
      Today fall in love…. ❤……….with yourself

       

      Feelings & Frankness

      Where do you find yourself in this busy world? Sometimes what we want is not what we get. On an average in today’s world its cool to be bad you know. Maybe the “bad” tag makes you stronger from inside, because its cool. But there is so much burried inside a person and what a person speaks is just a fraction of it, sometimes we really want to apologise or maybe even say I love you, but we hold it to our trueselves, our feelings. We are insecure, don’t know what for. When you are honest, life gets simpler, not to forget that there’s a fine line between honest and rude, though both can occur simultaneously.

      Should we let go our feelings or hold it inside?  What works for you? Maybe not everyone can suddenly be the bravest and the most motivated person ever and go and face the world with “damn! I m honest” attitude, its not as easy as “damn! I m hot as hell” attitude.

      What I think is we should let go our feelings and express them in the best possible way in that situation. Or else what happens is the endless cycle of thoughts, and thoughts and more thoughts, guilts and grugdes and hate and then guilt again and self hate and so on. Its hard at first but you know what for a fact I find honest people really attractive, if you can say it on face I think you will have less relationship issues, communication is solution to thousands of problems.And ” #no filter life” will surely give you a happier version of yourself.  On the note that I m talking about relationships and people, please don’t take them for granted, you’ll regret it. Life would be so simpler if people spoke what they meant, its even cooler than sarcasm sometimes.

      Its easy to judge others or maybe effortless, but its just very frustrating to keep record of what you are upto, letting out is hard at first  but please try it once, life just gets easier when it gets simpler. Its all so mismatched right? You know they say we should have a hobby or a thing of that sort that allows us to release our feelings… Tired? So am I but maybe for all screw ups and all mistakes sometimes you need to give yourself and all the others around you a second or third or maybe Nth chance, coz we all are not on same level of screw ups and madness in our lives. Yes talking is the solution! Maybe a step to set ourseleves and others free. Afterall, best people in life are free. 

      Lets start it here! So give a really honest feedback about this post or about my blog or whatever you feel, being honest and you can be critical you know I like criticism and I would love to know your thoughts on this post! Ambition on fleek! See you and hope you are having a great day and just because you are reading this breath in, breath out, leggo and smile:) ! Damn now that’s beautiful❤! 

      After Love… 

      Look what you did to me,

      I have started loving me,

      late nights and early mornings just to escape those dream of yours,

       hard work is my new love,

      after the love wars, fighting with the world seems so easy,

      the argument between heart and the brain keeps me busy, 

      hustling way through life in the deep dark midnight,

      I wake up and dress up with that stubborn heart ready for the war,

      the wrong road you left me on is the way to my marvellous  destiny,

      my life is a dream after all those cuts and midnight screams,

      unleashed I m, I bloom like rose ,though thorns are covered, still they make a part of me that you can’t see,

      magic of love after the betrayal, I have never been so happy ever,

      a gift you gave in a face of mistake,

      the sun is shining brighter, my heart feels lighter,

      this is the story of my life,

      after love,

      cuts and scars, self hate game and whole world to blame,

      and games that you have played and look here I finally played my ace, 

      a new me is released, which was imprisoned in love,

       come watch someday I invite you to my life,

      though rememeber  you’ll be here to watch coz that’s your worth infront of my heart, 

      no there’s no one like you and you can be proud,  you were just beautiful lie ,

      which leaves me stronger and healed,

      everyday is a game,

      thrill, fun and excitement no space here for pain,

       from victim to game changer,

      look how I survive through the danger,

      This is me after love,

      when the hurts get healed,

      I feel  strong and relieved,I have blown my mind 

      You taught me to fight

       thanks for this life,

      and you are the only reason behind this story, I could find…. 



      To A Broken Person… 

      Somedays you think of life, think of what you are ,what everything around you  is ,

       and the six coffee mugs one after the other, 

      the chair of  laziness that just doesn’t let you go, you are awake till middle of the nights and you pretend to be busy but you too know you aren’t this lazy, 

       and you are angry because they aren’t   accepting  you to be crazy,

      when will you realise you are running away from nobody  but yourself, 

      that fifteen hour playlist that is unending, 

      look into your eyes from whom are you hiding ,what exactly are you  seeking, 

      you know you should be grateful, but you are too broken to be grateful ,

       you are tired and frustrated and you don’t know why you randomly get irritated, 

      so high then suddenly so low where are these mood swings leading to ,

       anxiety has polluted the heart, too bored to create another work of art, 

      they call it symptoms of depression and recommend you medication but no medicine has ever healed a broken heart and then you say poetry works best for you,

        you dress so well and try your best to show that you are better than the rest and then streets of approval and judgments just gets open as you walk through hallways, there are eyes staring at you with amaze and an unexplainable expression, 

      you are too confused  and irritated and you stare at your watch all day long for when you’ll be home and close the doors and cry letting out all your emotions,

       cut throat competition for words of appreciation,

       and everyday the hardest question to answer becomes how are you and you lied because according to them its not okay to be not okay,

        you never knew that you are becoming a better liar as days slip through your hands,

      those hands and wrist full of cuts and burns whom are you giving pain to have you forgotten? 

       Love and fame and you are bored again and you expect everyday to be different from the other but you see its all the same as you have done and known already, 

      waiting for that perfect partner you forgot love is not be found it is to be felt never but now,

       you hate the rythm stuck in your head waiting for you to burn another cigarette ,

      and through smoke you sigh because they’ll label you weak if you cry, 

      and you have understood chemistry well enough to know that alcohol is  a solution,  

      look your heart is house of fears ,your dreams and excitement all got burried in your body which seems to be grave to a sassy you of yesterday ,

      you still are the bravest person on earth until its night and truth unleashes, 

      ask for life but not acceptence screams your heart,

      you wish you could explain how broken you are at heart ,no you dont need words of sympathy because amazingly its all fake coz it seems like there exists no empathy,

       some nights after crying you experience an emotion that’s the true pleasure to your broken heart,

      and you wake up and cycle repeats, its like an endless well you fell into and it gets darker and darker as it gets deeper and deeper,

      if your feelings could be written into a book, you would bet it would be a bestseller, because you know people love to laugh at others sorrow or maybe it gives them peace to see reflection of their own, 

      you sit with the blades on some nights and wonder if death was better than life and you make another cut which brings you in middle of death and life,and this is what you call your night life, 

      and one fine morning that doesn’t come so often you wake up with determination and try to fix the problem, but then you realise that you have no idea what is exactly the problem,

      emptiness, loneliness, depression or sadness, you have googled a zillion times to come out of it and  to know what’s the actual problem ,

      you are tired of guessing -meditation, books,  diet, friends or yoga what might be the solution? 

      it seems you are sinking into a deep blue sea even when you know how to swim, you are still sinking , you are breathless and restless and still in silence, and you sink and you sink and you wait for the moment you’ll take your last breath,

      and when someone says you aren’t sad and questions your broken state, you could debate like the highest of lawyers to protect that what causes you suffering,   but silence is your answer, 

      overwork is your escape and often it prevents you from making those selfhate mistakes,

      its like a phase and you know it will pass,

      but you wonder where those dreams to run to the moon flew away, to be that buisness tycoon disappeard,

      you wish you could tell your story so you write some poetry but as you write your tears drip and fall on paper and its all messed up and wet and you have some pieces of art under your bed, and under those ashtrays and many other places but they are never read,

      it seems you have fallen and gotten up and tried too many times, and somedays I wonder how can a person be as brave as you are and you survive through everyday,

      so until these dark clouds pass as you know they will, countinue with courage and that nerve of steel, and you know that  someday sun will rise  and you know it will be as good as magic and it will happen coz they say magic happens to those who believe,

      even if you know you have a very less hope to be saved remember death can never be a solution ,  keep guessing what is the solution and keep on trying but still smile sometimes until its all done,  because you know there’s a kind of beauty even in pain and pleasure could never serve you as well as pain …. 


      I had dressed to decieve but…. 

      Look here I wiped my tears, I woke up again from hate and despair,

      I decided to dress to decieve ,  so that I don’t reveal the pain and greif, 

      I showered with the scent of jasmine, I wiped myself with the cream,

      I attired myself in the full sleeve dress so the beauty of cuts I made on my wrist and the lines made on my soft skin from that sharp knife don’t get revealed,

      I put the mascara to hide those puffed eyes, which are desperate to tell that I cried all night,

      I thought of how I am  gonna do my hair, which reminded me of those rough hands which played with my hair ,

      I wish I could take a time machine and live that moment again and so I did, I bit my lips again to stop my tears  and I rushed down the stairs to seek my time machine, I opened the cupboard and sat by the sofa with that big album, my time machine,

      I saw you smiling at the very first page and for the zillionth time my heart broke in grief,

      you captured my heart which was a fire and kind of art but you droped it so hard that my whole world was burnt,

      I remembered I was covering myself with a coat of “Im okay” and I headed to the dressing table, 

      I stared at the mirror, like you my eyes also fascinate me somedays, when I look deep into them I see my whole world and amazingly all I see is you, 

      I caked on the makeup and rushed towards the kitchen and I poured the wine in the glass and I felt  like I had lost my last breath with the just a glass, 

      it looked like the sky was in pain too,  when I saw the black clouds covering the sun’s face,

      the forecast was wrong and the strom of grief  was about to come, I wish I had doubted not the forecast but also you and promises you made randomly out of the blue,

      I stepped out of the house and same as all the days I wore a fake smile on my face and it begun to rain and I was cleansed from bottom to the top and to the greatest depths of my heart, and corpse in my body then got burnt, 

      my emotions went numb and I was scattered into infinite pieces like never before, my broken pieces got revealed, the heart so stabbed was freezed as hard as steel, 

      I wish that we would have never met, I wish the destiny should have not knit this story of threat I got the love I always wished for, I wish I had wished for it to last, 

      but then I smiled in pain , I was happy not because I was betrayed because before the betrayal I  was loved, I loved the most beautiful lie, the most attractive illusion the destiny had presented infront of me,

      I loved from all my heart, I gave it all I had and   I loved like the fire in stars no matter how beautiful it looks you’ll never be worthy of touching it, I felt like the storm trapped in  a rain drop and so I cried out my heart, 

      from head to toe  I felt so healed,silence was my loudest scream,   I felt its okay to cry sometimes, doesn’t the sky do the same and we call it rain,

      You see I had dressed to decieve the world so well,  but the rain revealed me and this is me for forever, beautiful and healed .